F  R  E  N  C  II '  S 

-A.]viERiCA.:Nr  i3nA.M:^. 

3ri)c  Slctina  HDition. 
No.  LXXXIII. 


MY 

NEIGHBOR'.S  WIFE: 

A    F  A  R  C  E  .    I  N    ONE     ACT. 

An.tPTKK    FROM    THi;     FRKNCH, 

BY    ALFRED    BUNN.    ESQ. 

re  wnrcii  aks  added, 

A  Description  of  the  Cottume— Cast  of  the  Characten— Emrancos  and  Rjcili» 

Relativ*  Positions  of  the  Performers  on  the  Stage,  and  the  whole  of  the 

Bt»ga  Business. 

A8    PKRFORMr.D    AT    ALL    THK    PRIN'CIPAL    THKATRES    IN 
THE    UNITED    STATES. 


NEW-YORK: 
S  A  ]M  U  E  L    FRENCH, 

I'.M    NASSAU-STREET. 


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I- 2- bo  SA.Ni'A  UAMliAllA 


<F!  0  st  u  m  r. — My  Nkigiibor's  Wivk. 


SOMfiRTON— Evening  dress. 

SMITH — Green  body  coat,    crimson   velvet   waistcoat,   black  stocz, 
buti'trowsers,  large  whiskers. 

BROWN — Brown  cloth  body   coal,  white  waistcoat,   wl.ite  cravat, 
black  trowser.s  and  gaiters,  broad-brimuied  hat. 

THE  LADIE.S— Fashionable  walking  dresseg. 


MY   NEIGHBOR'S    WIFE. 


SCENE. — A  Chamber.  At  the  first  entrance,  e.,  ix  a  window,  and  at 
(he  second  entrance  a  door,  leading  to  an  inner  apartment.  At  thefi.r»t 
entrance,  l.,  t«  a  small  apartment,  the  inside  of  which  is  visible  to  the 
Audience.  It  is  entered  hy  a  side  door  at  l.  c,  with  a  window  over  it 
— a  centre  door  in  the  flats — on  one  side  is  a  fainter^  s  easel,  with  a  piC' 
ture  071  it — pistols  crossed,  hang  up  against  the  wall,  near  the  window 
— a  table  pertly  laid  out — chairs — a  lady's  work-table,  surmounted  by  a 
looking-glass,  containing  plates,  glasses,  ^c. 

Mrs.  Someeton,  Mrs.  Bkown,  and  Mrs.  Smith,  discovered. 

Mrt.  Somer.  (c.)  Well,  my  dears,  say  what  you  will,  I  repeat  it  again 
—men  are  all  monsters. 

Mrs.  B.  All — except  Mr.  Brovrn. 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  Mr.  Smith. 

Mrs.  Somer.  {Aside.)  Poor  souls  !  Iflwereto  tell  them  all.  [To 
them.]  Don't  flatter  yourselves  too  much  ;  certainly  I  have  every  confi- 
dence in  the  affection  and  fidelity  of  my  husband  ;  but  [siffnificantly,'\ 
when  I  see  what  is  going  on  in  other  establishments,  I  tremble  for  fear 
Mr.  Somerton  should  be  as  deceitful  as  the  rest  of  the  world ;  and,  not- 
withstanding appearances,  I  really  would  not  swear  to  anything. 

Mrs.  Smith.  There  I  have  the  advantage  over  you,  Mrs.  Somerton, 
for  I  swear  Mr.  Smith  is  faithful  to  me 

Mrs.  B.  And  I'll  take  my  oath,  Mr.  Brown  is  faithful  to  me. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Really  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  I'm  not  all  astonished  at  your  being  uneasy,  my  dear 
Mrs.  Somerton,  who  have  married  a  wild,  giddy  young  man.  It  is  not 
possible  you  could  be  otherwise ;  but  Mr.  Smith  being  a  plain,  steady 
tradesman,  of  a  steady  age 

Mrs.  B.  And  Mr.  13rown  a  city  broker — never  out  of  his  counting" 
house,  and  one  whose  sole  thoughts  are  on  his  business  and  his  wifc'a 
happiness — he  never  does  anything  without  consulting  me 

Mrs.  Somer.  Really  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  Then  Mr.  Smith  is  as  modest,  timid,  and  reserved  as  « 


MY    NEIGHBORS    WIFE.  O 

young  girl,  and  would  not  dare  to  open  his  mouth  without  first  asking 
uiy  permission. 

Mrs.  B.  It  is  this  which  makes  me  love  Mr.  Brown. 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  me  adore  Mr.  Smith. 

Mrs.  B.  [To  Mrs.  Somekton.]  But  your  husband,  my  dear,  is  too 
giddy  and  dissipated. 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  not  half  reserved  enough  in  his  conversation. 

Mrs.  B.  And  looking  at  all  women  with  singular  audacity.  Oh,  my 
dear  Mrs.  Sonierton,  really 

Mrs.  Somcr.  My  worthy  neighbors,  you  are  too  good  by  half;  but  I 

don't  want  any  one  to   be  uneasy  about  me.   [They  ris>:.']     I  am  very 

happy,  believe  me.     I  love  my  Somerton  just  as  he  is,  with  all  his  good 

qualities  and  all  his  failings  ;   I  never  find  fault  with  the  friends  of  my 

husband,  and  prefer  that  he  should  be  polite  and  attentive  to  all  who 

visit  us — even  to  you,  my  dears  ! 

Mrs.  B.         )  T,         ,  . 
i)/ry.6'm,7A.rous! 

Mrs.  Somer.  To  be  sure,  for  you  know  you  are  both  very  handsome. 

Mrs.  B.  Oh  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  Oh  ! — You  are  too  kind. 

Mm.  Somer.  Notwithstanding  we  are  neighbors,  you  might  be  dan- 
gerous rivals.     But  I  have  no  fear  of  j'ou. 

Mrs.  B.  You  have  no  reason. 

Mrs.  Smith.  No,  none. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Of  course  not  ;  at  the  same  time,  I  defy  you,  with  all 
your  charms  and  all  your  esprit,  to  make  him  inconstant.  And,  as 
friends  and  neighbors,  I  must  speak  very  frankly  to  you,  and  tell  you 
that  instead  of  troubling  yourselves  so  much  about  what  is  going  on  in 
my  house,  you  should  look  a  little  more  to  your  own.  [Asnlc]  They 
won't  easily  get  over  that.  ICrosses  to  r 

Mrs.  B.  )  „  , 

Mrs.Smzth.^   ^Too«r.? 

Mrs.  B.  What  can  she  mean  ? 

Mrs.  Smith.  Why,  my  dear  Mrs.  Somerton,  what  are  you  thinking 
about  1 

Mrs  Somer.  Oh,  nothing  of  any  moment,  or  certainly — I  most  sin 
cerel}^  wish  your  husbands  may  always  be  faithful  to  you. 

[^Significantly 

Mrs.  B.  But,  my  dear  Mrs.  Somerton,  if  you  really  know  anything, 
you  ought  to  tell  us. 

Mrs.  Smith.  Pray  speak  out. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Oh,  bless  you,  I  know  nothing — at  least  nothing  posi- 
tive, nothing  more  than — you  know  about  vty  husband  ;  therefore,  my 
dear  good  people,  suppose  we  change  the  subject.  What  are  you  both 
going  to  do  to-night  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Oh.  I'm  going  home,  to  be  sure  ' 

Mrs.  Smith.  So  am  I. 

Mrs.  Somer.  And  1  shall  sup  with  Mr.  Somerton. 

[Goes  up  to  tabu,  ft. 

Mrs.  B.  And  I  with  my  dear  Timothy. 


6 


MY    NEIGHBOR  S    WIFE. 


Mrs.  Smith.  And  I  with  my  beloved  Jonathan. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Well,  a  good  appetite,  and  a  good  supper. 

[Mrs.  Brown  and  Mrs.  Smith  are  about  to  go,  when  Mrs.  Someb- 
TON  stays  them. 

But,  I  say — suppose  by  any  chance,  your  husbands  should  net  coino 
home ' 

Mrs.  B.  [Vehemently.']  What? 

Mrs.  iSinith.  [Confide Hi hj.]  That  is  quite  impossible.  [Going. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  Well — I  onlv  said  "suppose,"  and  if  they  do  not,  you 
will  find  a  knife  and  fork  ready  for  you  here. 

Mrs.  B.  You  are  very  kind. 

Mrs.  Smith.  But  don't  make  yourself  uneasy,  we  shall  have  no  reason 
to  do  that. 

Mrs  Somer.  I  hope  not ;  however,  you  will  find  a  hearty  welcome  ; 
for  I  bear  you  no  grudge,  you  see,  for  your  attacks  upon  poor  Somer- 
ton's  fidelity. 

Mrs.  B.   Oh  !   it's  all  nothing  but  neighbor's  gossip.     Adiey  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  Good  night,  my  dear. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Good  bye,  and  don't  forget  ;  here's  a  plate  for  you,  if 
you  like  to  come  back.  [Crosses  to  r.,  as  they  go  up. 

Mrs.  B.  Ha,  ha  !  [Aside,  as  going  out  ]  Poor  thing  !  She  knows 
her  husband  is  gone  out  gallavanting.  [Exeunt,  c.  and  r. 

Mrs.  Somer.  There  they  go,  a  couple  of  poor  silly  dupes.  I've  put 
them  in  a  bit  of  a  fume,  however  ;  and  it  serves  them  right  for  coming 
"and  abusing  my  husband  to  my  face.  Thank  P'ortune,  I'm  not  at  all 
jealous,  but  I  should  like  to  revenge  myself  on  these  worthy  people,  for 
trying  to  make  me  so  ;  and  there  could  not  be  a  better  opportunity,  for 
these  two  identical  husbands  have  each  written  me  a  love  letter.  Now, 
the  idea  of  two  such  fellows,  with  two  such  names  as  Jonathan  Smith 
and  Timothy  Brown — the  one  a  stock-broker  of  five-and-thirty,  the  other 
a  tailor  of  forty — daring  to  write  billct-dou.x  to  their  neighbor's  wife,  is 
quite  provocation  enough — my  husband  is  ^one  out  to  dinner,  and  was 
to  have  gone  to  the  city  ball  afterwards,  but  I  begged  him  to  come  home 
at  eight  to  a  minute  ;  and,  that  we  may  keep  the  jest  among  ourselves, 
and  not  be  the  talk  of  the  city,  I  have  prudently  given  the  servants  a 
holiday,  so  that  when  Charles  comes  back,  I  must  let  him  in  myself, 
and  I  hope  I  shall  be  better  able  to  answer  than  my  neighbors  for  conju- 
gal punctuality.     {,-1  knnckivg  heard.]     There  he  is,  I'm  sure. 

[Runs  ojj  at  c.  and  r.,  returning  with  Somekton 

Somcr.  My  dear,  why  did  you  open  the  door  yourself — where  are  the 
servants  1 

Mrs.  Somer.  Never  mind,  they  are  all  out. 

Somer.  All  out  1    ' 

Mrs.  Somer.  Yes,  yes;  but  I  thank  you,  my  dear  Charles,  for  com 
ing  home  thus  in  good  time. 

Somcr.  It  was  your  wish,  my  Caroline,  and  that  was  quite  enough 
for  me  to  obey  it ;  but 

Mrs.  Somcr.  But — but — I  hope  it  has  not  put  you  out  of  your  way. 

Somcr.  Not  at  all,  my  dear ;  but  I  should,  notwithstanding,  like  to 


MV    NKIGIIBOR  S    WIFK,  1 

know  why  you  have  pressed  me  so  urgently  not  to  go  to  this  ball,  and 
to  come  home  exactly  at  eight. 

Mrs.  iSonier.  You  must  lirst  of  all  promise  me  faithfully  that  you  will 
not  lly  in  a  passion  with  me,  or  be  angry  with  any  one  else  ;  but  have 
a  hearty  laugh  at  what  I'm  going  to  tell  you. 

Somcr.  That's  as  it  may  happen. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  And  that  if  you  are  determined  to  have  revenge  upon 
any  one,  you'll  let  me  have  the  management  of  it. 

Somer.  I  don't  much  like  this  opening. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Well,  you  promise  me  ail  this  1 

Somcr.  Well,  well,  I  will. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  Agreed,  then.  [7aking  a  later  out  of  one  of  the  pockets 
of  her  apron.'}     Read  that  letter.  [GiviJiff -it  to  Somertqn. 

Somcr.  \_Reading  the  letter.']  "Adorable  Caroline,]" — whatl — who  is 
this  impudent  scoundrel  1 

Mrs.  Somer.  You  forget  your  promise,  Charles,  and  are  in  a  passion 
already — come,  read  on. 

Somer.  [Rcadmg'.'\  "  Adorable  Caroline. — Your  derision  and  cruelty 
have  preyed  upon  my  heart,  and  caused  it  the  deepest  anguish.  I  am 
most  anxious  to  tell  you  all  I  feel  before  I  fly  from  you  for  ever  ;  and  as 
your  husband  is  going  this  evening  to  the  citj'  ball,  grant  me  the  delight- 
ful favor  of  an  interview.  If  I  do  not  receive  an  answer  from  you,  I 
will  be  under  your  window  a  little  after  eight,  and  will  clap  my  hands 
three  times  as  a  signal,  to  let  you  know  I  am  there  ;  when  I  hope  you 
will  not  refuse  to  receive  the  last  farewell  of  your  disconsolate — Timo- 
thy." Timothy  1  What !  Timothy  Brown,  the  broker,  my  next  door 
neighbor  1 

Mrs  Somcr.  The  very  man  ! 

Somcr.  Why,  the  impudent  vagabond — with  his  mild  manners  and 
placid  countenance  !     But  there  is  no  trusting  to  appearances. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  But  this  is  not  all,  my  dear  Charles — read  this  I 

\_Tahing  another  letter  out  of  the  other  jtocket,  and  giving  it  him. 

Somer.  Another  1 

Mrs.  Somer.  Yes  :  but  pray  make  hnste  and  read. 

Somer.  [Jicad.mg.]  "  Incomparable  and  inexorable  beauty  !  I  am 
above  all  duplicity,  and  prefer  candidly  and  at  once  opening  my  heart, 
rather  than  adopting  any  circuitous  method.  Since  I  lirst  knew  you  I 
have  almost  ceased  to  know  myself,  and  my  heart  will  break  unless  I 
can  relieve  it  by  a  personal  confession  ;  I.  therefore,  implore  you  to 
grant  me  an  interview.  I  understand  j'our  husband  is  goinp-  to  the  citv 
ball  to-night.  About  a  quarter  after  eight,  you  will  hear  under  your 
window  the  sound  of  my  flute,  and  if  you  will  only  deign  to  open  it,  it  will 
convince  me  you  are  not  inflexible.  I  .shall  bring  with  me  some  nice 
things  for  a  quiet  supper,  which  I  have  expressly  ordered  from  Birch's, 
as  a  slight  proof  of  the  devotion  of  your  attached — Jonathan."  What ! 
that  damned  tailor,  my  other  next-door  neighbor.  Why.  the  tailor  is 
even  more  impudent  than  the  broker ! 

Mrs.  Somer.  Now,  is  it  not  much  better  to  laugh  at  these  coxcombs, 
than  to  fly  in  a  passion  with  them  1 

Somer.  But  what  do  you  propose  1 


8  MY  neighbor's  wife. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  First  of  all,  that  you  go  out. 

Homer.  What  !     Go  out! 

Mrs.  Somer.  That  is  indispensable :  and  as  soon  as  you  are  gone  I 
will  receive  them. 

Somcr.  But  you  must  explain. 

Mrs.  Somcr.   I  will  receive  them,  and  then 

Somcr.  And  then  !     What  then  ! 

Mrs.  Somcr.  [Taking  a  book  from  lady's  work  fable,  and  giving  it  to 
SoMERTON.]  Here  take  this  volume,  it  is  La  Fontaine,  and  at  the  bottom 
of  this  page,  [j)ointing  with  her  finger]  you  will  read  all  I  want  you 
to  do. 

Somirton.  [Glancing  over  tV.]  Oh,  I  understand — I  take,  and  will 
follow  implicitly  your  instructions. 

Mrs.  Somer.  It's  settled  then! 

Somer.  Quite.  [Three  claps  of  the  hand  are  heard,  K.]  That's  the 
broker  to  a  certainty. 

Mrs.  Somer.  And  to  his  time. 

Somer.  Then  I'll  slip  down  the  back  staircase. 

[SoMERTON  goes  out  at  the  door,  r.  1  k. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Now  then  to  receive  my  beaux — but  I  must  first  set 
myself  all  in  apple-pie  order ;  [goiiig  to  the  glass']  for,  notwithstanding 
we  despise  people,  we  ought  always  to  appear  before  them  to  the  best 
advantage.  [Arfannrng  herself  before  the  glass,  and  speaking.]  Mrs. 
Somerton,  I  think  you  are  looking  very  well  to-night.  [A  knock,  r.  u.  i.] 
I'm  coming.  There's  nothing  like  keeping  one's  lover  in  a  little  sus- 
pense. [Knock  again.}  Coming,  coming.  Bless  me,  he's  very  impatient. 
There,  now  I'm  all  right :  and  now  for  opening  the  door.  [Kyiock  agaiti. 

She  goes  off,  c.  and  r.,  rcturiiing  with  Mr.  Brown. 

Oh,  it's  you,  Mr.  Brown. 

Brown.  At  last,  my  cruel  Caroline,  I  behold  you.  I  almost  feared 
you  would  refuse  mc  admittance. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  What!  Do  you  tliink  yourself  so  very  dangerous 
then  ! 

Brorvn.  Not  that  ;  but  you  can,  I  hope,  make  some  allowance  for  the 
feelings  of  an  anxious  lover. 

Mr.s.  Somcr.  You  must  not  talk  in  that  manner  ;  for  if  any  o!ie 
should  overhear  you — [Sound  of  afiule  is  heard  undrr  the  windmr,  l.  2  E. 

Brown.  Why  that's  a  flute,  and  very  like  the  tune  that  our  neighbor 
Smith  is  so  per(jctually  playing. 

Mrs.  Somer.  The  very  same.  [Aside]  And  the  signal  mentioned  in 
his  letter.  [Opens  the  window,  then  says  to  Brown.]  He's  coming  to 
spend  the  evening  with  us. 

Broxrn.   With  u.s  !     Oli,  Caroline  I   Caroline,  this  is  cruel  of  you. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  Cruel,  indeed  :  why,  what  do  you  take  me  fori  In  the 
absence  of  my  husband,  to  remain  alone  with  a  man  ;  and  [snceringbj'] 
Ruch  a  captivating  young  man  as  you,  Mr.  Brown  1  Oh.  no,  I  couW 
not  think  of  such  a  thing. 

Brown.  Then  this  is  only  to  save  appearances. 

Mrs.  Somcr.   Oh,  nothing  more. 


MT    NEIGHBOR  S    WIFE.  9 

Brown.  [Aside.]  Well  then  I  must  put  up  with  it;  but  it  is  devilish 
nnpleasant  for  all  that. 

Enler  Smith  on  tiptoe,  xcilh  a  flute  in  one  hand,  and  carrying  in  the  other 
a  basket  with  sundry  provisions. 

Smith.  ILookini^  in.]  The  door  left  open  ;  it  is  evident  then  she  ex- 
pects me.     Are  you  alone,  my  pretty  Caroline  1  [Advances. 

Mrs.  Sonier.  Oh,  no;  Mr.  Brown  is  here — come  on  purpose  to  keep 
us  company. 

Smith,  (r.)  Brov^n  ! 

Brown,  (l.)  At  your  service — if  I  can  be  of  the  slightest  use  to  you. 

Smith.  Certainly,  I'm  delighted.  [Aside.]  The  devil  take  him,  say  I. 
[To  Mrs.  Somerton.]  When  is  he  going  !  I  suppose  he  does  not  sup 
with  usi 

Airs.  Somer.  To  be  sure  he  does.  [Alternatety  to  one  and  the  other."] 
My  husband,  you  know,  has  gone  to  the  city  ball  to-night ;  and  I  stay 
at  home  with  two  of  his  friends ;  if  I  was  with  one  only,  they  might 
raise  ill  reports  of  me :  but  with  two  even  slander  itself  can  say 
nothing. 

Smith.  Oh,  certainly  ;  you  are  very  right.  [Aside.]  This  fellow 
Brown  is  invited  I  see,  as  a  sort  of  go-between,  and  cloak  to  cover  our 
proceedings  :  luckily,  he  is  a  great  fool,  and  I  can  turn  him  about  to  my 
purpose  as  I  please. 

Brown.  This  damned  fellow,  Smith,  is  always  in  the  way 

Smith.  My  dear  friend — glad  to  see  you.  [2'o  Beown. 

Brown    You  are  very  kind. 

Smith.  Come,  make  yourself  yseful,  and  help  m6  to  open  my  provi- 
sion store. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Ay,  so  do.  and  here's  a  table  nearly  ready  to  receive  all. 

Smith.  [To  Brown.]  Well,  prepare  the  table  for  some  of  Birch'n 
▼ery  best.  [Aside  to  Mrs.  Somerton.]  You  beauty,  I  adore  you  more 
than  ever. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Are  you  mad  1 

Smith.  Yes  I  am.  and  you  have  made  me  so. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Be  quiet— hold  your  tongue.    [He  advances  up  the  stase. 

Brown.  [Leaving  the  table  and  coming  on  down  the  l.  side  of  Mrs. 
Somerton.]  What  is  that  he  is  saying  to  youl — Is  he  making  love  to 
you! 

Mrs.  Sontcr.  Quite  the  contrary  ;  he  is  telling  me  I  ought  to  listen 
to  you. 

Brown.  Oh  I  then  it's  all  right  I 

Mrs.  Somer.  [Going  to  the  table.]  The  knives  and  forks  are  wanted. 
I'll  go  for  them  in  the  next  room,  and  at  the  same  time  order  coffee  and 
liqueurs  to  be  got  ready. 

Brown.  Pray  do  not  trouble  yourself 

Smith.  She's  right  ;  it's  all  the  fashion  now^ "s^ 

[Mrs.  Somerton  goes  out  at  door,  r.  1  k. — Smith  is  about  lofollaic  her.] 

Brown.  [Fulliug  him  back  by  the  coat  tail.]  Isn't  she  a  delightful 
creature  ? 

Qmith.  What  aro  ycni  talking  abowt! 


10  MY    KEIGHBOr's    wife. 

Brown.  \As  Sjiith  is  agaiii  about  tofoHow  Mr.  Someuton,  takes  him 
by  the  arm,  and  brings  him  forjvard  ]  Now,  my  dear  fellow,  you  can 
help  me  in  a  most  essential  manner  with  her. 

t^initk.  Help  you  i 

Brown.  And  if  you  will  rely  on  my  gratitude 

Snuih.  Why,  my  friend,  I  thhik  you  are  out  of  your  mind. 

Brown.  How  ] 

iiniith.  Why,  I  calculated  on  you  to  plead  my  cause  with  Mji 
Komerton 

Brown.  On  me  1 

Smilli.  That  is,  if  you  wish  to  preserve  my  good  opinion. 

Brown.  You  love  her,  then  1 

Smith.   That  I  do. 

Brown.  So  do  I,  a  hundred  times  more  than  you  do  I 

Smith.  You  fellow  I — love  her  I — I'd  hai-e  j'ou  to  know 

[^Follows  him  to  t. 

Broken.  And  I'd  have  you  to  know — if,  sir,  you  have  the  audacity 
only  to  think [Follows  him  to  r. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  [Withoitf.^  Now,  then,  here  they  are 

Smith.  She's  coming  ;  so  pray  he  silent  hefore  her. 

Enter  Mrs.  Somekton,  p.    1  e. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Now,  gentlemen,  to  supper. 

Both.  Aye,  to  supper  ! 

Brown.  I  shall  have  an  eye  on  that  fellow.  \_Asidc 

Smith.  \_Aside.'\  I  shan't  lose  sight  of  you,  Mr.  Brown,  I  promise 
you. 

Brown.  Smith,  my  dear  fellow,  give  me  your  liand — a  thousand 
thanks ! 

Smith.  Why,  what's  the  man  thanking  me  for] 

3Irs.  Somer.  Why,  for  the  handsome  supper  to  which  you  have 
invited  him. 

Smith.  It  is  not  to  me,  but  yourself,  my  dear  Mrs.  Somerton,  to 
whom  ail  thank.sare  due. 

Mrs   Somcr.   Oh,  no  !  to  you. 

Brown.  To  you  both — you,  my  charming  madam,  [To  Mrs.  Somer- 
ton] and  you,  my  good  friend — to  you  both. 

Smith.  The  man's  a  fool!  [Going  to  tabic — Mns  Somerton  sits  at 
talk,  with  Brown  07i  her  right  hand,  and  Smith  on  her  left  handl 

Mrs.  Somcr.  Well,  really,  this  is  delightful— by  the  eide  of  those 
\vc  love,  and  opposite  to  those  we  esteem — surely  man  can  desire  no 
more! 

Brown.  After  all,  I  flatter  myself  I  am  the  man.  [Aside. 

Mrs.  Somcr.  Now,  gentlemen,  pray  help  yourselves. 

Brown.  1  will  first  propose  a  toast — "  Here's  to  the  beautiful  Caro 
lifio." 

Smith.  *' To  the  bcauti'ul  "Caroline  ;" — the  rascal  there  has  got  the 
start  of  me.  [As  they  arc  about  to  fill  their  glasses,  a  hnorking  is  heard 
U)Uhout,  R  ] 

Mrs.  Somcr.   Bless  me,  who  can  be  knocking  at  thi.s  hour  • 


MV  neighbor's  wife.  11 

Brown.  It's  very  odd 

Smith.  And  very  unpleasant. 

Somcr.  [  Wil/ioiit.]  (>aroline,  my  dear,  open  the  door  to  me. 

J/;s.  Somer.  It's  my  husband  !     I'm  lost! 

Brown.  I  wish  I  was 

Smith.   I'm  a  dead  man. 

Mrs.  Somer.  But  what's  to  he  done! — hide  yourselves,  in  mercy'i 
sake  t 

Smith.  It's  very  well  to  say  hide,  but  where  !  [Rises. 

Mrs.  Somer.  \_Pointinrj  to  the  chamber,  i,.]  There,  in  that  little  closet 
— make  haste — I'm  hnlt'  dead.  [/«  a  loud  voice.'\  Coming,  Charles, 
coming,  mj'  dear.  [7'o  Bkown  and  Smith.]  Keep  eilent  or  we're 
ruined. 

They  enter  door  of  the  closet,  as  she  goes  off,  c,  and  lets  in  Somkkton. 

Somer.  [Advancing.']  This  is  not  very  kind  treatment,  my  dear,  to 
keep  me  waiting  in  this  manner. 

Mrs.  Somer.  Don't  be  angry,  Charles  ;  the  fact  is,  I  did  not  expect 
you  home  so  early. 

Broicn.  [hi  chamber  ]  How  her  voice  trembles. 

Smith.  \_In  chamber^  Enough  to  make  it. 

Mrs.  Somer.  [la  a  low  voice,  and  pointing  to  the  closet.]  There  they 
aic. 

Somcr.  Capital.  [Alovd.]  I  don't  intend,  my  dear,  to  go  to  this  ball 
to-night. 

Brown  \ 
and     ^Oh  I  [A  sort  of  mutual  groan. 

Smith. ) 

Somer.  What  noise  is  that,  love  ? 

Mrs.  Somer.   I  heard  nothing 

[Both  scarcely  able  to  smother  their  laughter. 

Smith.  [To  Brown  ]  Don't  breathe,  or  we're  dead  men. 

Brown.  I'm  dumb. 

Somer.  [Looking  at  Ike  table.]  You  don't  appear  to  have  been  very 
disconsolate  at  my  absence,  my  dear,  to  judge  by  the  display  on  your 
table — patties,  lobsters,  tarts,  jellies,  wine 

Mrs.  Somer.  Why,  yes,  my  dear — and  no — why,  that  is 

Somcr.  That  is  what,  my  dear1 

Mrs.  Somer.  Why.  I  had  invited  two  ladies,  our  next-door  neigh- 
bors. 

Somer.  What !     Mrs.  Smith  1 

Smith.  My  wife  I 

Mrs.  Samer.  And  Mrs.  Brown. 

Brown.  My  wife  ! 

Smith.  Leave  these  women  alone  for  getting  out  of  ) 
a  scrape.  V  [Inside  chamber. 

Broken.  And  perhaps  for  getting  us  into  one.  J 

Somer.  So,  my  dear,  you  have  invited  two  neighbors'!  I'm  very  glad 
to  hear  of  it.  Run  in,  love,  and  fetch  them,  and  say  that  supper  is 
ready,  and  we  are  waiting  foi  them. 


12  MY    NEIGHBORS    WIFE. 

Mrs.  Somer.  I'll  step  in  at  once 

Somcr.  Ay,  do. 

Mrs.  Somer.  And  bring  them  in  instantly. 

^5  she  goes  out  at  d.  f.,  Somerton  layt  another  knife  andjork,  and 
puts  the  table  in  order. 

i>mith.  My  wife  will  not  conic,  I'm  sure. 

IiToicn.  ]Nor  mine  either,  for  she  expects  me  home. 

Homer.  There,  that  will  do  ;  I  shall  sit  here,  between  Mrs.  Smith 
and  Mrs.  Brown,  and  my  wife  opposite  to  me. 

[Goes  ttp  the  stage,  brings  doicn  his  pistols,  and  loads  them. 

>imilh.     Well,  he's  taking  it  very  coolly. 

Svmer.  I'm  not  altogether  comfortable  in  my  mind,  for  when 
I  came  in,  it  struck  me  that  my  wife  looked  extremely  embarrassed 

Brown.  But  what  is  he  doing  there  1 

Smilh.  1  don't  know — I'll  peep  through  the  "key-hole.  Why,  as  I'm 
alive,  he's  loading  his  pistols. 

Brown.  Then  he  has  certainly  seen  us. 

Smith.  Hold  your  tongue,  Brown,  or  he'll  stop  it  for  you. 

Somer.  [Talking  to  himself  but  lovd  enough  to  be  heard  iy  Brown 
and  Smith.]  And  a  thought  came  into  my  head,  that  if  she  could — but 
that  is  impossible,  for  I  am  sure  she  loves  me  :  besides,  she  well  knows 
that  if  I  were  to  surprise  any  man  here  at  this  hour,  if  he  were  the 
dearest  friend  I  have  on  earth,  I'd  blow  his  brains  out  on  the  spot.  [He 
is  pacing  the  stage,  and  stops  by  the  little  closet  uherc  Brown  and  Smith 
are  concealed,  as  he  says  the  latter  part  of  the  sentence:  they  bob  down 
their  heads  at  his  approach — he  then  seats  himself  bit  the  table. '\ 

Smith-   [Lijlrng  up  his  head.]  Did  you  hear  what  he  said  ? 

Brown.  Yes  :  but  it  won't  bear  repeating. 

Somer.  I'll  load  them  both  with  a  couple  of  bullets.  Thank  Fortune, 
that  touch  of  jealousy  was  but  momentary  ;  I  have  no  right  to  suspect 
my  Caroline — and  at  this  moment  I  ought  to  be  especially  grateful  to 
her  for  inviting  our  two  neighbors,  particularly  one  of  them,  who  is 
the  most  amiable  and  delight lul  woman  on  earth. 

Smith.  That's  my  wife  I 

Brmcn.  No  ;  mine. 

Somer.  And  I  have  been  in  love  with  her  for  a  long  time  without 
daring  to  tell  her  so 

Smith.  If  he's  in  love  witli  iier,  it  is  yours. 

Brown.  No ;  yours. 

Somer.  However,  .to-day  I  feel  a  little  more  nerve  and  impudence 
in  my  composition,  and  I'll  contrive  some  opportunity  of  declaring 
myself — so,  my  next  door  neighbor,  I'd  advise  you  to  be  on  the  look 
out.     Now,  let  us  put  these  out  of  harm's  way  in  the  closet. 

[lie  goes  lov-ard  the  closet,  n.,  and  is  about  to  open  it. 

Smith.  He  is  coming  liere  I 

Brown.  Then  we  are  a  brace  of  dead  men. 

Mrs.  Bomcr.  [Ouisidc.]  Come,  my  dear  friends,  thje  way — thi» 
■n  ay 

Porter     Oh  thr.  charrn'rs        Here  thcr  com«  ' 


MY    neighbor's    wife.  IS 

Puis  his  pistols  in  a  chair,  and  goes  off  c.  and  a.,  Brown  (ind  Smith 
cautiously  open  the  closet  door,  and  peep  out. 

Brown.  At  present  we  arc  well  out  of  that  I 

Smith.  Yes ;  if  he  don't  come  back.  Every  bit  of  my  skin  is  like 
poose's  flesh.  [They  retreat. 

Enter  Mrs.  Somerton,  with  Mrs.  Brown  t«  one  hand,  and  Mas.  Smith 
VI  the  other. 

Smncr.  Ladies,  most  welcome  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Good  evening,  Mrs.  Somerton. 

Brown.  That's  my  wife — the  coquette  I 

Mrs.  Smith.  Mr.  Somerton,  your  most  obedient. 

Smith.  And  that's  mine — the  monster  ! 

Mrs.  Somer.  My  dear  Charles,  our  friends  hesitated  coming,  for  a 
moment,  for  fear  of  displeasing  their  husbands,  but  I  assured  them  you 
would  plead  their  cause  before  them. 

\r      (.■'  •,!.  t  And  we  have  only  come  on  that  condition. 
Mrs.  Smith.  }  •' 

Somer.    Willingly,    most    willingly — I    was    going   to  the  city   ball 

to-nicht.  but  I  feel  no  regret  at  having  abandoned  its  attractions,  since 

it  has  procured  me  the  pleasure  of  passing  the  evening  with  you.      Will 

you  allow  me  to  offer  you  a  hand  ? 

Takes  Mrs.  Brown  iw  one  hand,  and  Mrs.  Smith  in  the  other,  aiid 
places  them  at  the  table  on  each  side  of  himself — Mrs.  Somerton 
opponUe. 
Smith.  Whv,  they  arc  going  to  eat  up  my  supper  I 
Brown.  And  I  am  dying  with  hunger. 

Somer.  [Taslntrf  the  pate  and  recommending  it.'\  This  pat6  is  ex- 
cellent, J  assure  j-ou. 

Smith.  It  ought  to  be,  it  cost  me  half  a  guinea. 
Somer    Will  you  allow  me  the  pleasure,  charming  Mrs.  Smith? 
Brown.  Did  you  hear  that  ?   [^siJe.]  Poor  Smith  ! 
Mrs.  Somer.  My  dear  Charles,  I  am  the  only  one  you  have  forgotten. 
Somer.  True,  my  love,  but  hospitality  to  our  friends  made  me  for  a 
moment  forgetful. 

[Thcij  drink,  help  each  other,  and  seem  to  enjoy  their  supper. 
Brown.  I  don't  hear  a  word. 

Smith.  How  the  devil  can  they  speak  when  all  their  mouths  are 
chuck  full  ? 

Brown.  I  should  like,  at  all  events,  to  see  what  they're  about. 
Smith.  There's  a  window,  let  us  get  up  on  the  table. 

They  put  vp  a  table  agai7ist  the  door,  and  two  chairs  on  the  table, 

then  open  the  small  window,  at  which  they  occasionally  appear  and 

disappear,  the  Audience  seeing  what  they  arc  doing  through  the 

large  front  window. 

Somer.  Well,  really,  this  is  one  of  the  roost  delightful  evenings  I 

•v«r  enjoyed 


14  Mv  neiohbor's  wife. 

Mrs.  Smith.  And,  and  to  tell  you  the  truth,  it's  very  pleasant  now  and 
then  to  be  away  from  the  restraint  of  one's  husband. 

Smith.  [At  the  window.']  Very,  no  doubt. 

Mrs.  B.  And  to  enjoy  a  friend's  society  without  any  low  and  vulgar 
suspicions. 

Brcicn.  Very  pleasant  truly.     I  say,  the  supper  smells  nice,  don't  it  I 

tSmith.  Your  wife  seems  to  think  so,  for  she's  making  a  tolerable 
good  example  of  it.     Brown,  have  an  eye  to  your  wife. 

Brown.  Smitli,  have  an  eye  to  j'our  forehead. 

Somer.  My  dear  Caroline,  we  ought  to  be  obliged  by  your  kind 
attention  and  good  supper,  but  it  seems  to  me  there  is  one  thing  still 
wanting. 

Mrs.  Somer.  What  is  that,  Charles  1 

Somcr.  Why  I  dare  say  our  iriends  would  like  one  glass  of  Cham- 
pagne just  by  way  of  a  wind  up. 

Mrx.  Somer.  Very  true,  Charles. 

Mrs.  B.  Champagne !  we  have  some  capital  Champagne,  at  home — 
bat  my  husband,  a  niggardly  fellow,  always  locks  it  up,  and  never 
offers  any  one  a  drop ;  if  30U  will  wait  a  minute,  I'll  run  in  and  fetch 
two  or  three  bottles. 

Brown.  Precious  little  devil  I 

Smith.  Hold  your  tongue,  man. 

Somer.  You  shall  not  go  alone  ;  allow  me  to  escort  you. 

Brown.   Why  the  icllow  offers  his  arm  to  my  wife. 

Mrs.  Somer.  By  no  menus,  1  will  go  with  you,  my  dear  Mrs.  Brown, 
and  Charles  shall  stay  and  keep  iMrs.  Smith  company. 

Smith.  So  much  the  better,  then  she'll  be  under  my  own  eye. 

Mrs.  B.  Come  along,  my  dear,  we'll  be  back  in  a  moment ;  but 
mind,  my  husband  must  know  nothing  about  it. 

They  go  off'  at  c.   v.,  follo2ced  to  the  door  iy  Somkuton  and  Mnt. 
Smith. 
Brown.  The  baggage — I'll  murder  her. 

Pokes  his  body  half  out  of  (he  window,  and  is  pulled  back  by  S.mith, 
an  action  they  allernaltly  repeat,  vnlil  So.meuton  and  Mrs.  S.mith 
have  advanced. 

Smith.  Be  quiet,  Browti. 

Brown.   I'll  be  the  death  of  her. 

Smith.  We  shall  be  the  de.Uh  of  one  another,  if  you  don't  be  silent. 

Somer.  At  length,  my  dear  Mrs.  Smith,  we  are  alone. 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  what  then,  my  dear  sir ' 

Somer.  What,  can  you  not  guess  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  No. 

Smith.  Why.  what  the  devil  is  going  to  happen  nowl 

Brown.  Hush!  be  quiet.  Smith.  Do  you  see  Somerton  whispering 
to  your  wifel 

Smith.  Whispering  proves  nothing. 

Somer.  \  Oouiir  7iear(r  to 'S\ks.  Smith.]  I  have  sought  this  delightful 
titt-a-tHc  for  many  a  long  day  past. 


MT    NEIGHBOR  S    TVIFE. 


15 


Mrs.  Umith.  [Drawirig^  herself  np.']  Sir,  do  you  know  to  whom  you 
are  addressing  yourtelf! 

Smith.  That's  a  settler  for  him.  \_Aside  at  window. 

Somer.  To  the  most  beautiful,  mos;  adored,  yet  most  cruel  of  her 
sex. 

Mrs.  Smilh.  You  greatly  astonish  rae — this  is  the  first  time  you 
ever 

Samcr.  If  my  lips  have  been  silent,  surely  my  looks  must  have  made 
you  acquainted  with  this  passion,  that  will  end  only  with  my  life. 

3Irs.  Smith.  Pray  think  no  more  of  me — remember  I'm  married. 

Smith.  Charming  creature — isn't  she.  Brown  1 
,     Somcr.  Oh,  I   know   that ;  but  to  whom  1 — a  fellow  not  capable  of 
appreciating  your  numerous  attractions — a  low  person   altogether  un- 
worthy of  your  matchless  beauty  and  innumerable  charms. 

Smith.  What's  that  he  says.  Brown  : 

Brown.  Be  silent,  I  tell  you. 

Mrs.  Smith.  My  husband  is  certainly  very  inattentive  sometimes. 

Somcr.  To  be  sure  he  is — a  scoundrel! 

Mrs.  Smilh.  Often  absent  from  home. 

Somer.  Abominable  I 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  I  must  admit  his  manners  are  not  particularly 
polished. 

Broicn.  I  say.  Smith — she  seems  to  have  studied  you  pretty  well. 

Smith.  I'll  poison  her — my  manners,  indeed  I 

Mrs.  Smith.  And  he  has  not  much  of  the  man  of  fashion  about  him. 

Somer.  He's  a  positive  lout. 

Srnith.  I'll  poison  her. 

Mrs.  Smith.  But  still  he  is  my  husband,  and  I  ought 

Somer.  You  ought  only  to  think  of  a  love  the  most  tender,  and  the 
most  impassioned.     Behold  me,  dearest,  at  your  feet. 

Mrs.  Smith,  llise,  pray. 

Smilh.  ^ 
and     >  On  his  knees  I 

Broiun.  S 

Mri.  Smith.  [Aside.]  Poor  Mrs.  Somerton,  wlio  was  so  sure  of  her 
dear  Charles'  heart,  and  defied  us  to  make  him  inconstant. 

Somcr.  What  says,  my  love — my  darling? 

Mrs.  Smith.  Oh  nothing — nothing — rise,  pray,  pray — leave  me  ! 

Smith.  The  abominable  creature  !     She's  giving  way. 

Brown.  It's  like  'em  all — except  Mrs.  Brown. 

Sorner.  [Kissing  her  hand.]  You  divine  creature,  grant  me  one 
favor — my  ilemahd  is  not  a  very  exorbitant  one — give  me  this  boquet, 
here  in  your  bosom,  as  a  pledge  of  your  affection. 

[He  takes  a  boquet  out  of  her  bosom 

Mrs.  Smith.  Pray — pray  leave  me. 

Smith.  There,  he  has  taken  her  boquet. 

3Irs.  Somertiin    [Outside]  Come  along,  give  me  one  of  the  bottle«. 

Somer.  They  are  coming  back. 

Broicn.  High  time,  eh,  Smith  ! 

Srniih.  I'm  sufTocated  ;   I  shall  choke  with  ra^e. 


16  MT  neighbor's  wife. 

[During  the  whole  of  this  scene,  Bnowff  had  been  pulling  back  Shitb 
by  the  coat,  who  was  putting  his  head  out  too  forward. 

Mes.  Brown,  entering  with  Mrs.  Somebton,  c. 

3frs.  B.  Here  they  are,  and  we  have  picked  out  a  couple  of  the  very 
best  in  the  cellar.  [They  all  sit  again  at  table.']  That's  right,  my  dear; 
that's  just  how  I  always  serve  Mr.  Smith. 

Smith.  [At  window.]  Oh.  dear!  oh,  Lord  ! 

Somer.  Well,  now  we've  got  his  wine,  we  had  better  make  use  of  it; 
and  the  least  we  can  do  is  to  drink  Brown's  good  health. 

AIL  With  all  my  heart — here's  Brown's  health  ! 

Mrs.  B.  TimJthy  Brown,  your  very  good  health. 

Brown.  [At  window.]  Thank  ye,  and  be  d — d  to  you.  Oh,  my  very 
best  Champagne  ! 

Somcr.  It's  really  excellent ;  and  as  long  as  we  haven't  Brown's  com* 
pany,  the  more  of  this  sparkling  champagne  we  have,  the  more  agree- 
able. 

Brown.     You're  very  good. 

Somer.  And  now,  allow  me  to  propose  Mr.  Smith's  health. 

[  They  drink 

Mrs.  Somer.  Now  suppose  we  go  in  the  next  room,  and  take  a  cup  of 
coffee  1  [  They  rise. 

Somer.  A  very  good  idea.  Ladies,  allow  me  to  offer  you  each  a 
hand. 

Mr.s.  Somcr.  Aye,  and  do  follow  me. 

[Mrs,  SoMERTONfofs  out  a!  door,  r.  1  y..,  followed  by  So.mf.rton,  between 
Mrs.  Smith  and  Mrs.  Brown.  As  soon  as  they  are  gone.  Brown  and 
Smith  get  down,  and  replace  the  chairs  and  table,  which  they  had  placed 
against  the  doors.  7' hey  then  come  out,  and  par.e  the  stage  in  a.  Juriou$ 
manner. 

Smith.  Perfidious  woman  I   who  would  ever  have  thought  it  ? 

Brown.  My  dear  fellow,  don't  run  about  in  this  manner;  becalm, 
and  let  us  talk  it  over.  [Pacing  the  stage  furiously. 

Smith.  I'm  half  mad,  Brown. 

Brown.   No  wonder — so  would  I  be,  if  I  were  you. 

Smith.  It's  monstrous. 

Broicn.  Infamous — shocking — ha,  ha,  ha  I 

Smith.  What  the  devil  are  you  laughing  at? 

Brown.  My  dear  fellow.  I'm  not  laughing;  it's  an  hysterical  sympathy 
with  your  situation.  [Aside]  Poor  Smith!  Who  was  so  sure  of  the 
virtue!  of  his  wife.  Upon  my  soul,  I  can't  help  laughing  if  I  were  to  dia 
for  it.    [To  S.MiTH.]    Pray  pardon  me;  but  I  really  cannot  help  it. 

[Noise,  E.  1  E. 

Smith.  Hush — somebody's  coming  !  Help  to  replace  the  chairs 
and [They  replace  them. 

Brown.  Pshaw  !  'Tis  all  fancy.  So  suppose,  now.  while  they  are 
It  their  coffee  in  the  next  room,  we  bit  down  here  and  pick  a  bit» 
and  take  the  liberty  of  making  fres  with  aoino  of  my  o«vn  dear  wiao. 

Smi!\    Thank  you,  I'm  no'  hungry 


MY  neighbor's  wife.  17 

Brown.  But  I  am  ;  for  I've  had  nothing  to  take   away  my  appetite  ; 

and  really  this  pat6  of  yours,  Smith — [He  goes  to  the  table,  cuts  a  bit  of 

the  pale,  and  is  just  about  to  cat,  ivhcn  the  door  opens.]     By  all  the  saints 

in  the  calendar,  here's  my  wife  coming  !  [He  hides  under  the  table. 

Smith.  His  wife  I 

\_He  hides  himself  behind  the  easel,  on  which  a  picture  is. 
Enter  Mrs,  Brown,  speaking  as. the  enters  the  door,  e.  2  k. 

Mrs.  B.  Now  do  allow  me,  while  you  are  finishing  your  coffee.  I'll  go 
and    clear  the  supper  table,  and  put  all   in   order.   [Coming  foi~ward.'\ 
Well,  I  must  confess  that  Mrs.  Smith  is  a  terrible  flirt. 
"    Smith.  [Behind  easell  There's  no  doubt  whatever  of  that. 

Mrs.  B.  What  looks  she  has  been  glancing  toward  Somerton.  I 
really  blushed  for  her. 

Brown.  [Putting  out  his  head  from  under  the  table.}  My  dear  little 
wife,  I'd  give  you  a  kiss  if  I  dared. 

Mrs.  B,  At  the  same  time,  I  must  confess  that  Somerton  is  very 
agreeable,  and  also  that  he  has 

Broken.  Not  so  fast,  ma'am,  if  you  please.  • 

Smith.  They  are  birds  of  a  featlier,  that's  evident. 

Mrs.  B.  He  has  also  a  fine  figure,  and  a  good  expression  of  counte 
nance. 

Brown.  [Putting  his  head  out.^  It's  a  damned  lie  I 

Somerton  steals  softly  in  at  r.  2  e. 

Mrs.  B.  But  I  cannot  understand  how  he  could  have  such  bad  taste 
as  to  make  love  to  Mrs.  Smith,  a  woman  altogether  so  unworthy  of  him  ; 
that  is  a  ttiing  I  really  never  can  forgive  him  for. 

Smith.  Nor  I  either 

Somer.  [Touching  Mrs.  Brown's  shoulder.]  What,  still  inflexible. 

Mrs.  B.   [Starting.]  Oh,  Mr.  Somerton  !   you  quite  frighten  me. 

Somer.  Fear  !  Oh,  fear  is  not  the  sentiment  with  which  I  would 
inspire  you ! 

Smith.  [Popping  his  head  from  behind  the  easel,  at  the  same  time  that 
Brown  puts  his  head  from  under  the  table,  and  seems  in  a  violent  rage.] 
It's  your  turn  now,  Brown. 

Mrs  B.  [To  Somerton. J  I  suppose  you  think  you  are  addressing 
Mrs.  Smith! 

Somer.  Mrs.  Smith  !  I  detest  her  very  name — I  cannot  endure  the 
sight  of  her  ;  and  if  I  seemed  to  pay  her  any  particular  attention,  it  was 
only  to  divert  the  thoughts  of  one  who  knows  too  well  who  is  the  object 
of  my  affection. 

Mrs.  B.   I  really  do  not  understand  you,  sir  ! 

Somer.  The  moments  are  preciou.^ — only  say  that  some  day  you  will 
bless  my  vows — name  some  time  when  I  may  hope,  and  till  then,  give 
me  some  slight  token  of  one  I  lan  never  cease  to  love — promise  me  this, 
sdorable  woman ! 

Broxon.  Familiar  raspal  I 

Smith.  This  is  worse  than  what  he  said  to  Mrs.  Smith. 

Somer.  What,  silent !  dearest  one !  then  give  me  this  bracelet,  twined 


18  Mv  neighbor's  •wife. 

around  your  arm.   [takes  I'-acdcl  from  her  arm.'] 

Mrs  B.  Oh  !  pray  givo  it  me  back,  [here  Brown  shakes  his  fiat  at 
her.'\     If  niy  husband  were  but  to  see  it ! 

Brnwn.  He  must  be  damned  biind  if  he  didn't ! 

Somcr.  Oh  !  don't  think  of  him — dear,  kind  creature  !  give  mei  but 
one  kiss. 

Mrs.  B.  Sir  I  really,  sir — this  audacity- 

Somcr.  There's  no  harm,  dear,  in  a  kiss,  igives  her  several  kisses, 
against  which  she  slightly  struggles.'^ 

Smith,  [chuckling.]  How  they  sound  ! 

Brown.  The  traitoress  ! 

Mrs.' B.  [struggling  with  Somkrton.]  Oh,  if  my  husband  were  to 
hear  him. 

Smith.  He  must  be  damned  deaf  if  he  don't. 

[Mas.  Brown  gets  away  from  him  loith  some  difficulty,  and  runs  into 
the  chamber,  r,  1  e.] 

Somcr.  She  is  a  charming  creature  !  and  I  decidedly  give  her  the 
preference. 

iSmith.  I'm  glad  of  it — the  scoundrel ! 

Brown.  Oh  !  the  blackguard  ! 

Somer.  However,  they  are  both  derilish  nice  girls,  and  will  answer 
one's  purpose  very  well  to  pass  an  hour  or  two  with  now  and  then-^ 
altogether,  we've  had  a  delightful  evening,  and  I  must  now  go  and  put 
by  my  pistols,  which  I  had  quite  forgotten,  [goes  arid  lakes  pistols  off  thi 
chair.}  Oh,  Mr.  Smith,  Mr.  Brown  ! — Mr.  Brown,  Mr.  Smith,  1  strongly 
suspect  I  shall  give  you  both  a  violent  headache  ! 

[Exit  into  closet,  a  I  e. 

BrovJti.  [looking  ffut.]  Pheugh  ! — where  is  he  gone  1 

Smith,  [peeping  on  one  .lide  of  the  glass.}  Hold  your  tongue  ;  there 
he  is  with  those  damned  pistols  again. 

Here  Somerton  closes  xtp  the  window,  goes  toivards  the  door,  n.  2  E., 
poiiiting  laughingly  at  the  table,  and  exit. 

Smith,  [peeping  out.]  Brown  I 

Brown,  [looking  up.}  Smith  I 

Smith.  We  are  a  pretty  couple. 

Brown.  Very.  Give  me  your  hand,  [they  come  out  and  embrace  each 
olhcr.} 

Smith.  Oh,  Mr.s.  Brown  ! 

Brown.  Oh,  Mrs.  Smith  I 

Smith.  Oh,  that  bracelet  ! 

Brown.  Oh,  that  bouquet  I 

Brmcn.    \  ^forcing  a  laugh.]  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! 

Smith.  It's  exceedingly  droll. 

B'own.  And  extremely  pleasant. 

Smith.  But  I'll  be  revenged.  Brown. 

Brown.  And  so  will  I.  Give  me  your  hand  ;  we'll  have  a  mutual  al- 
liance, and  come  to  a  determination  to  take  ample  revenge. 

Smith.  Let  ub  embrace  again  [fhey  embrace.}  Now,  my  mind'^j 
made  up, 


MY    NKIGIIBOR  S    WIFE. 


19 


Brown.  1  was  beginning  to  despair,  but  I'm  nerved  again — we'll  treat 
them  exactly  as  they  deserve. 

iSrnith.  The  idea  of  mai<ing  such  a  fuss,  and  talking  of  cutting  our 
throats,  about  one's  wife's  virtue. 

Brown.  Particularly  when  she  hasn't  got  any. 

Umilh.  lyet  us  turn  philosophers,  Brown,  and  satisfy  ourselves  with 
knowing  that  half  the  world  are  like  ourselves. 

Brown.  To  be  sure.  Besides,  after  all,  it's  a  thing  that  if  you  dtm't 
know,  it's  of  no  consequence  ;  and  if  you  do  you  can't  help  yourself. 

Smith.  Hush  !   they  are  coming  back. 

Brown.  And  our  hiding  places  are  cut  off*. 

Smith.  Very  true  ;  what  is  to  be  done  1 

Brown.  They  are  coming  this  way  to  a  certainty.  [Ac  runs  under  the 
dres-iing  gown  on  the  arm  chair.} 

Smith.  Here  they  are,  sure  enough,  [he  runs  under  the  uniform  hang 
ing  on  the  ■portmanteau  in  the  chair.] 

Enter  Sojierton,  Mrs.  Somerton,  Mrs.  Smith,  and  Mrs.  Brown,  at 
door,  K.  2  E. 

Somer.  And  you  reall)"-  will  go.  then  1 

Mrs.  Soincr.  Oh,  pray,  don't  think  of  going  yet. 

Mrs.  B.  We  really  must — it's  ten  o'clock,  and  past. 

Mrs.  Sinith.  And  I  really  tremble  for  fear  my  husband  should  have 
reached  home. 

Mrs.  Somer.  I  rather  think  not. 

Mrs.  Smith.  However,  they  both  may  be,  and  although  they  should 
happen  to  be  a  little  sulky,  it  is  as  well  uot  to  displease  them  too  much. 

Somer.  Now  listen  to  me.  If  on  your  return  your  husbands  should 
pick  a  quarrel  with  you,  I'll  tell  you  both  a  way  to  make  them  silent. 

M^'-f;,     \   What  is  it  l' 
Mrs.  Smith.    5 

Somer.  To  tell  them 

■ilr"'  c  ■  ■,;      I   [eagcrhj.-i  Well,  what ! 
Mrs.  Smith.    J    '-    "     -^  -^ 

Sontcr.  A  circumstance  that  happened  the  other  day  to  one  of  my 

most  intimate  friends. 

Mis.  Somer.  And  to  his  wife  1 

Somer.  Yes      Well,  this  friend  had  two  neighbors — 

Smith.  Brown  ! 

Brown.   Smith  ! 

Mrs.  Soiner.  Which  neighbors  had  two  wives. 

^/^'  c'    ,7    ^  Oh  !  wives— well. 
Jlrs.  Smilh.  ) 

Somer.  These  two  neighbors  had  a  great  desire  to  seduce  the  affec- 
tion of  my  friend's  wife.     [All  here  are  stlnit,  ami  paying  deep  attention, 

Mrs.  Somer.  Which  she  immediately  mentioned  to  her  husband. 

Somer.  And  he.  bent  on  having  his  revenge  on  them,  determined  to 
seduce  the  alfection  of  both  their  wives,  in  return. 

Smith  atid  Brown.  Oh  ! 

Mrs.  Smith  and  Mrs.  Brown  tool:  runfiisedly  at  one  another. 


20  MT  neighbor's  wife. 

Somer.  Yes  ;  and  in  concert  with  his  wife,  got  jp  a  capital  farc9 
with  the  two  ladies.  He  alternately  made  the  most  desperate  love  to 
them,  vowing  eternal  londness  to  one,  and  perpetual  constancy  to  the 
other  ;  and.  in  return  for  all  his  apparent  devotion,  he  received  from  one, 
in  token  of  her  regard,  a  beautiful  bouquet. 

Mrs.  Sini/h.  lAsiHc]  A  bouquet  ! 

Mrs.  Sumcr.  And   from   the   other   a  What  was   it  1     Oh,    I 

remeinbei,  a  bracelet. 

Mrs.  B.  [Aside.]  A  bracelet ! 

Homer.  But  the  most  extraordinary  part  of  the  whole  business  wai — 
that  all  this  took  place  in  the  very  presence  of  their  husbands  ! 

Mrs.  Smith.  \\  hat 

Mrs.  B.  In  their  presence  1  \_Looking  anxiously  round. 

Somer.  Yes,  in  the  presence  of  the  husbands,  who  dared  not  say  a 
word,  because  they  were,  in  the  first  instance,  the  guilty  party. 

Smith.  I'm  all  amazement ! 

Brown.  I'm  worse  than  that — I  don't  know  what  I  am  ! 

Mrs.  B.  Perhaps  these  two  ladies  were  not  quite  as  culpable  as  you 
represent  them,  Mr.  Somerton  1 

Somer.  Undoubtedly  not ;  for  I  ought  to  add,  to  their  honor  and  cre- 
dit, that  they  were  in  the  secret,  and  only  assisted  the  scheme  to  teaze 
their  husbands.  [To  Mes.  Someuton.]  "We  may  as  well  give  them  the 
benefit  of  this  lie,  my  dear,  to  prevent  any  further  mischief  between 
them  and  their  husbands. 

3Irs.  Somer.  Oh,  to  be  sure — to  be  sure.  [^To  Mrs.  Smith  and  /oMits. 
Brown.]  Oh,  yes,  it  was  only  a  neighbor's  frolic — a  game  of  tit-for-tat, 
very  cleverly  played. 

[.Mrs.  Smith  and  Mrs.  Brown  appear  to  recover  a  little. 

Smith.  Is  it  possible  1 

Brown.  I  breathe  again. 

Mrs.  Snmer.  And  the  matter  ended  in  the  two  husbands  coming  from 
their  hiding  places,  failing  on  their  knees,  and  asking  pardon  of  their 
wives  for  all  their  transgressions. 

[S.MITH  and  Brown,  who  have  now  partially  quitted  the  back,  advance^ 

and  fall  on  their  knees  on  each  side. 

Mrs.  B.  What  do  I  see  ?     Mr.  Brown  1 

Mrs.  Smith.   And  Mr.  Smith  !     I  shall  faint. 

Smith,  (r.)  Pardon,  pardon,  my  love,  for  all  my  little  offences. 

Brown,  (i..)  And  pardon,  Mrs.  Brown,  for  all  my  piccadilloes. 

Jfis.  Bnncn.  The  forgiveness  should  be  mutual — we  have  both  been 
a  little  to  blame  ;  but  as  no  harm  has  arisen  out  of  it,  why,  come  to  my 
arms,  my  dear  Timothy  ! 
.   Mri.  Smith.   Ditto,  ditto,  my  dear  Jonathan. 

Somer.  This  is  the  exact  termination  of  my  friend's  adventure  ;  he 
gave  back  to  each  lady  her  respective  property — to  one  the  bouquet, 
and  to  the  other  the  bracelet,  [here  Sombrton  presents  the  one  to  Mrs. 
Smith,  the  other  to  Mrs.  Brown,]  and  heartily  forgave  his  two  neigh- 
bors for  the  folly  of  attempting  to  make  love  to  his  wife. 

Mrs.  Somer.  .\nd  all  parties  being  reconciled,  they  finally  agreed  to 


MY    MCIGHBOR'ti    WIFK.  21 

confine  their  devotions  to  their  own  liresides,  and  never,  for  the  fatur* 
to  interfere  with  Tbeib  Nkiohbor's  Wifk. 

Smith,  Brown  1 

Broum.  Smith  I 

Smith.  Will  you  everl 

Brown.  No,  I'll  never, 

Mk.  Sou£rto:<.  Mks.  Somebto:;. 

0  c. 

ICft.  Smith.     Mrc.  Smith.  Mb.  fiRow;*.     Mrs.  Bkowv 

0                    0  0                        0 

CURTAIN 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRAR' 


A  A  001  409 


pp.  THE  LIBRARY 

AO  r  a         UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNi 
^  ^^  ^^  Santa  Barbara 

STACK  COLLECTI 

THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAS 
STAMPED  BELOW. 


'«.->  (•TiM/ir.Sc  1  \  i  Tfin 


